


Archival Assistants Will Never Hurt You (they might)

by vermilionirl



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Jon is a Bastard, M/M, Non-Chronological, Sort of an AU, also maybe autistic jon? i haven't decided yet i literally wrote this in like an hour, asexual jon sims, honest to god i dont know what this is, i Will find a way to get gerry keay in this, i am so unfunny, i might put in some timsasha idk, jon drinks redbull???, martin likes ginger beer and uses tone indicators cause he's epic like that, rosie my beloved, tim is a Jealous Little Bitch but he wants what's best, trans marto because i said so
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-28
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:55:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,289
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29042724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vermilionirl/pseuds/vermilionirl
Summary: Sasha James: timothy stoker please change your name right nowsex Machine ;): why should i ;)-Rosie:): Martin should i be worriedBIG M!!!: idk maybe
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 11
Kudos: 49





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> does a gay little dance Hey There this is my first proper fic i hope it's okay. enjoy, sexies!  
> also this chapter is short as fuck . apologies in advance

timothy stoker has named the chat: ‘SEXY ARCHIVES’  
timothy stoker added Sasha James, martin blackwood, Jonathan - Archivist, and Rosie:)  
martin blackwood changed his name to mart :-)  
timothy stoker changed martin blackwood’s name to BIG M!!!

BIG M!!!: TIM.

timothy stoker changed his name to sex Machine ;)

sex Machine ;): that’s sex machine to you

timothy stoker changed this chat’s settings to allow only admins to edit group info

Rosie:): Sorry guys er what’s happening?

BIG M!!!: tim’s being a nuisance again :|

Rosie:): Ah he does that a lot 

Sasha James: timothy stoker please change your name right now

sex Machine ;): why should i ;)

Sasha James: i am literally on my way to your desk right now you’d better watch out

Rosie:): Martin should i be worried

BIG M!!!: idk maybe

timothy stoker changed this chat’s settings to allow everyone to edit group info  
timothy stoker changed his name to tim (nuisance era)

Sasha James: alright i’m going back to my desk everything is fixedTIM STOP YELLING AT ME I WILL PUT YOU IN A HEADLOCK

Jonathan - Archivist: What on God’s green earth is this?

martin blackwood changed his name to martin!

martin!: i don’t exactly know. tim, care to explain?

tim (nuisance era): WELL. as we’re all Such good friends, i thought a groupchat could be some… fun  
tim (nuisance era): also Jon could you change your name it’s a bit intimidating , i can just feel your bossiness through the screen 

Jonathan - Archivist: You’ll feel my bossiness through my fist soon if you’re not careful, Stoker.

Sasha James: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTINGGGGG!!! 

tim (nuisance era): SAYS YOU WHO WAS GOING TO PUT ME IN A HEADLOCK A SECOND AGO!!!! 

Rosie:): Well uh. this has been lovely and all but I’ve got a lunch date with this girl in a second, so I’ll have to go. 

Sasha James: ooooo have fun rosie :D

tim (nuisance era): well dont have TOO much fun, it’s a work day ,, remember you have to be back here soon and not at a girl’s house!!

Rosie:): Ugh you’re disgusting Tim. I’ll be back soon, i _promise_.

tim (nuisance era): go! GO!! run like the wind and meet the woman of your dreams! (we’ll cover for you don’t worry)

Jonathan - Archivist: Go back to work Tim. I’m going out to Asda to get lunch, anyone want anything?

tim (nuisance era): jon sims being nice???? smth feels off…

martin!: hey jon if it’s no problem could you maybe get me a drink? if it’s a hassle don’t worry about it, i have enough tea to last a lifetime haha :) /gen

Jonathan - Archivist: It’s fine Martin, anything you’d prefer? :-)

martin!: oooh err i’ll have a ginger beer if they have it, if they don’t then i’ll just have a lemonade. thanks! ^_^ also i’ll pay you back for however much it is

Jonathan - Archivist: No don’t be stupid, I’m sure they’re only a couple of pounds. 

martin!: oh um . okay! thank u :)

tim (nuisance era): was that the front door shutting can i come in now marto

martin!: ..yeah 

-  
Tim opens the door with a wide grin.  
“So, Martin. Seems like bossman isn’t as much of an arse as we thought, eh?”  
Martin turns to look at Tim, his swivel chair protesting as he does so. His face is Not red!! Nope. Definitely not bright red!  
“Tim, I'm sure I have no idea what you’re talking about!” he tries. This was the wrong move.  
Tim grins and comes to stand behind Martin, ruffling his hair. “Martin. My sweet dear Martin. Martin, my beloved. Have you EVER seen Jon act like that? He’s never said that he’d get ME a ginger beer, he n-”  
Sasha opens the door cautiously. “Tim. What are you yelling about in here? I heard something about Jon and ginger beer…?” She trails off, looking at Martin and, presumably, his scarlet cheeks. Realising this, he immediately jumps up and heads straight for the door and the grimy little kitchenette on the other side of it. Tim grabs his hand as he’s about to leave and says, “You’re going nowhere, Blackwood. Not until you tell me what’s happening between you and Sims.” He says it in a joking voice, but Martin is baffled when he realises there might be a hint of.. jealousy? in his voice??  
Sasha clearly does not pick up on this, because she immediately puts Tim in a headlock, telling Martin to ‘go make some tea or something’. Martin does just that, and from the dirty little archive kitchen he can hear Tim ranting about how Jon never does anything for _him_ , and that Jon never asks _him_ if he wants anything from the store (sasha points out that Jon _had_ asked the whole groupchat if they’d wanted anything, and this is followed by a fleshy smack noise and a “HA!” from Tim and an amused huff from Sasha)  
Just in time, Jon arrives back at the archives, holding a green plastic bag. He starts getting things out of the bag, placing them neatly on the little table in the centre of the room. Most of the stuff he gets out is pretty mundane: bottle of water, can of redbull (met with a “YOU’RE A RED BULL GUY NOW???” from Tim), egg and cress sandwich (This got a chorus of “disgusting!”, “JON….” and “I don’t trust you anymore” from the archival assistants), and finally two glass bottles of ginger beer (the expensive kind) and a can of lemonade. Everyone in the room goes silent, looking at him.  
Tim and Sasha's phones both chime at the same time, and they scuttle off to check it.  
Tim re-enters a moment later, holding his phone in his hand and some keys in the other. “Sorry lads, gotta run. Rosie says she’s lost her bus card so Sash and I are picking her up. See you in a sec!” Martin and Jon, baffled, look after the duo as they race out .  
-  
private message from martin blackwood to timothy stoker:

martin blackwood: eat shit stoker now i’m stuck with jon for as long as it takes u guys to get back. fuck u /lh 

timothy stoker: i’m sure you guys will have fun, what with all the ginger beer and energy drinks

martin blackwood: i’m saving the second ginger beer for you!! <3 

timothy stoker: ok. thanku marto :-]


	2. drama surrounding percy pig

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tim (sexy edition): sash u r being stupid that movie was a cinematic masterpiece  
> tim (sexy edition): i CRIED and i Never cry at movies!!!!
> 
> romcom hater: what like that one time you cried at friday the 13th
> 
> tim (sexy edition): I WASNT CRYING THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MY EYE
> 
> romcom hater: fuck u timothy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a quick cw there is a mention of death in this chapter so! proceed with caution!  
> there is Lots of rosie content in this chapter (as there should be)

Sasha James has changed the chat name to ‘archive and co’  
timothy stoker has changed his name to tim (sexy edition)

tim (sexy edition): sash why did u change the chat name thats not very swaggie of u

Sasha James: well luckily I’m not concerned about being swaggie 

tim (sexy edition): you should be  
tim (sexy edition): u should be absolutely distraught that ur not swaggie 

Sasha James: contrary to popular belief I really do not care about my personal levels of swag

martin!: aren’t you guys meant to be sitting directly next to each other or did i imagine that

tim (sexy edition): sasha doesnt think im important enough to pause her music so i just message her instead and sometimes she yells at me

martin!: ah

Jonathan - Archivist: You should all be working. Also Tim please change your nickname, it’s not appropriate.

tim (sexy edition): mate it’s a groupchat  
tim (sexy edition): u should change your own name i said this like last week it’s making me nervous  
tim (sexy edition): change it to like jon - bossman or smth that wld b better

timothy stoker changed Jonathan - Archivist’s name to tape recorder irl

tim (sexy edition): i think sashas name needs a revamp too

timothy stoker changed Sasha James’s name to romcom hater

romcom hater: why am _I_ the one who gets called a romcom hater

tim (sexy edition) ...because you hate romcoms????

romcom hater: I don’t HATE romcoms  
romcom hater: you just have very bad taste in movies  
romcom hater: remember that one about aliens falling in love and then they couldn't marry because the ring kept falling off their fingers cos of the slime?  
romcom hater: that’s what I mean 

tim (sexy edition): WHAT FO U MEAN SASHA THAT WAS THEW GREATEST FUCV,IG MOVIE I EVER SHOWED U  
tim (sexy edition): sash u r being stupid that movie was a cinematic masterpiece  
tim (sexy edition): i CRIED and i Never cry at movies!!!!

romcom hater: what like that one time you cried at friday the 13th

tim (sexy edition): I WASNT CRYING THERE WAS SOMETHING IN MY EYE

romcom hater: fuck u timothy

Sasha James changed their name to sasha who likes decent romcoms

tim (sexy edition): too long sasha youll have to do better

timothy stoker changed Sasha James’s name to sasha villain era

Martin!: hey guys i’m going to tesco then costa does anyone want to come with

tim (sexy edition): costa??? why 

martin!: cos rosie said she was craving a costa gingerbread :]

tim (sexy edition): oh my god marto you are the nicest person ever  
tim (sexy edition): what r u getting from tesco please tell me it’s not tuna + sweetcorn pasta again

martin!: no i actually brought my own lunch today ,, im getting more teabags for the archive kitchen and maybe some fruit tea too  
martin!: yknow what i might go to the m&s across the road as well  
martin!: i heard they restocked the percy pig teddies and ive wanted one for ages!! :-)

tim (sexy edition): NO NOPR NO 

sasha villain era: martin idk if they have them um was it just a rumor or did you actually see them  
sasha villain era: bc i walked past the other day and i didn't see any

tape recorder irl: What does irl mean Tim.

tim (sexy edition): now is NOT the time bossman 

sasha villain era: jon it means in real life but tim’s right now isn’t the time

tape recorder irl: Thank you. Not sure if this is a compliment but I’ll take it

-

private message from timothy stoker to Sasha James:

timothy stoker: fuck fuck shit sash what are we gonna do  
timothy stoker: wgat if he buys it  
timothy stoker: SASHa i need emothuinsl support rn 

Sasha James: ok so here's the plan if he buys it then it's all gonna be fine and we’ll return our one to the shop and i’ll just buy a different teddy  
Sasha James: theres this cow one i had my eye on anyway  
Sasha James: look https://www.amazon.co.uk/Keel-Toys-14-Pippins-Cow/dp/B00WJKVAEO/ref=sr_1_9?dchild=1&keywords=cow+head+teddy&qid=1611915327&sr=8-9

timothy stoker: AWWWWWWWWWW  
timothy stoker: he’ll love it sash  
timothy stoker: i must admit sometimes u have good ideas

Sasha James: thanks 

-

chat: archive and co

tape recorder irl: Hello guys, did anyone get any info on that Grifter’s Bone thing?  
tape recorder irl: I’m sure Tim said something about a Gerard 

tim (sexy edition): boss u know u can just come n talk to us i know ur trying 2 be cool and hip but really its easier to argue with you in person  
tim (sexy edition): nothing about a gerard tho maybe ur thinking of the boneturner guy? jared hopworth  
tim (sexy edition): but yeah the girl that gave the statement cant give a follow up cos shes dead  
tim (sexy edition): hit herself in the head w a hammer after putting her neighbour into a coma with it

sasha villain era: nice  
sasha villain era: bad job to kill yourself and not the one you’re hitting

tim (sexy edition): yeah apparently it was a bit chaotic like the police came and everything

martin!: guys stop talking about death i’m in the middle of tesco i dont particularly fancy having to have a little sit down in the middle of the soup aisle

sasha villain era: sorry martin :/

martin!: it’s okay sasha just maybe save the death talk for after lunch break  
martin!: @Rosie:) hey rosie do you want a tea or something as well? :-]

Rosie:): If it’s no problem could I have a hot chocolate pls?  
Rosie:): If not then I’ll just have whatever’s cheapest. thank u!

martin!: of course it’s no problem !! i’ll get it with cream and marshmallows too :P

martin!: GUYS they had the percy pig teddy DSFBHMBDNSM im so happy :DDD 

sasha villain era: thats so cool marto :-D 

tim (sexy edition): now THAT is swaggie

martin!: ok im going into costa now i can use my costa card i got so many points last time

tim (sexy edition): martin how much did you SPEND last time

martin!: well i did get drinks for the whole archives  
martin!: anyway i’ll be back in a sec  
martin!: getting extra cookies for u all i need to use up my costa points

sasha villain era: martin I’m lactose intolerant don't get the chocolate ones

tim (sexy edition): thought u took lactose tolerance things so u could drink milk n shit

sasha villain era: yeah but I forgot to take it today  
sasha villain era: my insides are already starting to disagree with that sip of tea i had earlier  
sasha villain era: i forgot to put almond milk in 

tim (sexy edition): great. inspiring. aspirational

tape recorder irl: You’re all weak links don’t you all have an allergy to something

Rosie:): I don’t have any allergies :(

tape recorder irl: Good I trust you Rosie

Rosie:): Yay :D

tim (sexy edition): jon stop this is freaking me out go read a statement or smth

tape recorder irl: I just finished one, I’m having lunch.

-

Martin pushes the heavy door of the Institute open, struggling a little with all the stuff he’s holding. He manages to nearly fall over about 3 times in the process, but he gets there in the end.  
Rosie comes up to meet him, looking a little worse for wear but she seems happy to see him. Whether it’s because of the things he’s bought her or just because she enjoys Martin’s company, he doesn’t know. But he’s happy to be greeted with a smile, whatever the reason.  
“Martin! Hi! Put all of that down, you’re going to drop something-” she starts taking the plastic bags and coffee cups out of his arms, placing them on the reception counter.  
She smiles at him a little. “Let’s see this Percy Pig teddy then. Cmon, where is it? I wanna see it!” martin beams, digging through the one canvas bag he carried in with him. Finally, Martin finds what he’s looking for. A Percy Pig teddy, looking extremely fluffy and polite. He hands it over to Rosie, who looks over it with big eyes and the eagerness of a child receiving a Christmas present. Martin, grinning, shakes his hands around.  
“I think I’ll keep it on my desk. Like a sort of mascot?” Rosie turns to him then, still beaming.  
“Yeah. That’d be a really good idea, Martin. I think the other assistants will love it.”  
“You really think so?”  
“Yes Martin, I do - I wouldn’t have said it if I was lying!” Rosie responds.  
“Oh okay. Well. Thank you! Here’s your gingerbread and your drink, be careful though ‘cause it’s kinda hot,” Martin tells her. She takes the cup and biscuit, but not before giving Martin a long hug. It doesn’t really work, considering she’s only 5’4 and Martin’s 5’9, but he doesn’t mind. It’s really nice, actually. 

-

private message from timothy stoker to Sasha James

timothy stoker: help girl he bought the pig

Sasha James: shut up tim

-

Tim pets the Percy Pig every time he walks past. He doesn’t know why, but he does. It’s become something of a ritual for the archive staff, and whenever Rosie comes downstairs for one reason or another, she’ll pick it up and hug it for a second. Tim supposes it’s because they’d all wanted to get a pet for the archives, but Jon had given them all a lecture on how it was “too dangerous in the archives” and “what pet would _want_ to live with you lot anyway?”. It was probably for the best, but still Tim wishes that they could have something small. A hamster, maybe. Or a lizard? No, not a lizard, you had to feed them live things and judging by the luck they’d had in the archives so far, that wouldn’t go well.  
All said and done, Tim loved the stupid thing, even if he’d had to go and return the one he and Sasha had bought. The new one was nice, though. It was a _lot_ bigger than they’d thought, and they’d had to go out in the middle of the night to get more wrapping paper. Tim hadn’t enjoyed this experience: it was raining and the little off-licence was just generally unpleasant. And on top of that, there was some goth dude standing in the corner the whole time. Now there’s nothing wrong with goth dudes, nothing in the _slightest_ (in fact Tim quite liked goth dudes!!) but the one in the corner of the shop looked a bit intimidating, and even more so when he looked up and _waved_ at Tim. As far as he could remember, he didn’t remember ever talking to or even seeing this guy. After that, Tim left the shop and that was that.

-  
private message from timothy stoker to Jonathan Sims

timothy stoker: ok bossman ur gonna have to get him a present soon  
timothy stoker: it’ll be weird if not everyone gets him a present

Jonathan Sims: Yes yes alright Tim  
Jonathan Sims: I’ve already got him something, actually. 

timothy stoker: oh wait what rly

Jonathan Sims: Yes really

timothy stoker: well what did u get him  
timothy stoker: jon u know its ok if u didnt get anything  
timothy stoker: me n sash got enough stuff that u can give him one of our presents  
timothy stoker: he’ll never know

Jonathan Sims: No, Tim I’ve actually got him something  
Jonathan Sims: I don’t want to tell you what it is, I want it to be a surprise

timothy stoker: oh okay  
timothy stoker: right you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> giggles gerry will be back i dont know how or why but i am determined to get him into future chapters


	3. red velvet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> tim: do u remember rosie the one song by red velvet thats like oo ooooo OOO rusian roulette la la l a laaaaaa
> 
> Rosie:): yes I do  
> Rosie:): not really helping me rn though

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so cw's for this chapter!! lots of spiraly stuff, obviously fear of going mad, losing your identity, forgetting things, et cetera. also mentions of alcohol!  
> enjoy :-)  
> (also hi come find me on twitter @HERETICANTH3M :D)

private message from timothy stoker to Sasha James

timothy stoker: ok is everything ready

Sasha James: depends what your definition of ready is  
Sasha James: jon keeps texting me, I don’t think he’s enjoying himself

timothy stoker: tell him to deal with it  
timothy stoker: not his secret birthday party  
timothy stoker: arsehole

Sasha James: _tim._

timothy stoker: _sasha._

Sasha James: you are such a stubborn twat 

timothy stoker: so r u

Sasha James: sure

-

chat: SHHHHH

tim: ok so im organising balloons, sashas on present arranging duty, jon . jon u can just stand there n look grumpy  
tim: oh and rosie could you be in charge of the cake and stuff

Rosie:): um  
Rosie:): we didn’t buy any cake…?

Jonathan: I don’t look grumpy!

tim: shit uh rosie there’s still half an hour till marto gets here do you think thats enough time to bake something

Rosie:): tim have you ever taken a look in the kitchen cupboard  
Rosie:): sorry but there isn’t shit in there  
Rosie:): just Martin’s teabags and a can of soup 

tim: great  
tim: unless you can bake smth using that then i suggest u go to the shop and buy one

Rosie:): alright. is Martin allergic to anything

Sasha James: yeah just avocado and goats

Rosie:): avocado????? thats a new one  
Rosie:): alright  
Rosie:): I’ll get him an M&S cake why not its his birthday

tim: ooo splashing out  
tim: use the institute funds, we've got enough to buy one of those big cakes

Jonathan: Institute funds?!?!?  
Jonathan: This is why I get annoyed at you all.

tim: dont b a stuck up twat jon its martins bday we cant deal with u being like this today

rosie:): alright I’m at marks do you think he’ll like chocolate fudge, red velvet or just a victoria sponge

tim: whats a red velvet  
tim: isnt that that one band

Rosie:) well yes but its also a cake

tim: do u remember rosie the one song by red velvet thats like oo ooooo OOO rusian roulette la la l a laaaaaa

Rosie:): yes I do  
Rosie:): not really helping me rn though

Sasha James: rosie just get a victoria sponge, you can’t go wrong with that

Rosie:): nice 

Jonathan: Martin’s walking up to the front door shit what should I do

tim: JON SWEARING????  
tim: LANGUAGE

Rosie:): well I’m nearly here, you’re gonna have to get him away so he doesn’t see the cake

Sasha James: alright alright  
Sasha James: jon you do it 

Jonathan: WHAT??! 

tim: talk to him abt a statement or smth!!! thats what ur good at 

Jonathan: Ok.

-

Martin’s opening his presents, a big smile on his face. He reaches for a big one at the back of the pile, Tim knows exactly what it is and beams.  
“Go on, Marto!! Open it!”  
Martin smiles and tears through the paper, revealing the toy cow. He looks up at Tim and Sasha, tears starting to form in his eyes. Standing up, he envelops them in a huge hug, shaking slightly as he does so. They both hug him back. There hasn’t been much to smile about in the archives recently, and this is a welcome relief.  
Jon hasn’t spoken up through most of the opening presents ceremony, and he’s sitting patiently in the corner, holding a couple of boxes. Once the trio are done, they separate and all sit on the floor like little kids. Jon clears his throat and stands.  
“Hey, Martin?” his voice is a little shaky, God knows why. Martin, as usual, smiles widely back at him. He nods at Jon, indicating that he should carry on.  
“Ok so. Uh. I got you a couple of presents! Here you go-” Jon tells him, handing over the presents. They’re neatly wrapped, 3 of them.  
Pointing at the smallest one, Jon instructs him, “Open that one last.” Martin looks up and nods sincerely. He starts to unwrap the largest one, more careful than how he'd opened Tim and Sasha’s packages. Once he’s got in, he tears the packaging off, giggling.  
“Jon is that-” he bursts into laughter. “Jon, is that a cow print kettle?”  
Jon grins. “Yeah - I thought, you know, since the one in the kitchen is getting a bit old and you’re the one that uses it most. It would be fitting.” he explains. Martin is charmed by the gift, and opens the next present. It’s a cd copy of Mitski’s Bury Me at Makeout Creek. The only one Martin hadn’t already got. How did Jon know? God knows, honestly. He had a way of knowing things like that, little details you forgot that you’d told him.  
The last present, the one that Jon had told him to open last. Martin opens this one cautiously, it’s obviously somewhat special. Inside the wrapping there’s a small box. Looking back up at Jon and down again, Martin opens the box. Inside there’s two pairs of earrings, one pair of simple studs and a matching sun and moon set.  
Jon, stupidly, decides to interpret Martin’s facial expression as disappointment. “Look, Martin. If it’s not your type of thing, then I can take it back. Seriously, it’s no problem, I just thought that since you only have one pair I’d get you another-”  
Martin fully bursts into tears at this point and hugs Jon. Jon doesn’t usually get hugs, most of the time he doesn’t really like them. But Martin’s hug? Martin’s hug was something entirely different. He seemed like a hot water bottle, kind and comforting and everything that Jon needed on that grey Wednesday. His hair kind of got in Jon’s eyes, but it was fine because his hair smelled of strawberries and sweet things. Martin was kind of tall too, and Jon found himself with his head buried into the side of his neck. He, surprisingly, quite liked it. Though Jon did worry about if his hair smelled as nice as Martin’s. It didn’t really matter though. In the grand scheme of things the hug only lasted about a minute, but it felt like a lot longer to both of them. Martin managed to choke out a tearful “thank you, Jon” before disappearing to set up the new kettle and make everyone a cuppa.  
Later, they all went over to Tim’s house and got a suitable amount of drunk and watched GBBO (Martin’s present from Rosie, even though she left a little early). All in all? It was a brilliant day, Martin thought.

-

chat: archive and co

martin!: thank you guys so much  
martin!: today was really nice 

tim (sexy edition): its no problem marto!!! it was really fun even if jon did get a bit tipsy

tape recorder irl: tim it ws only becasue yiu gsve me berr  
tape recorder irl: s not fair 

tim (sexy edition): please boss its one in the morning go to bed we have work tomorrow

Sasha James: tim why are you being responsible i don't like it

tim (sexy edition): go to sleep sasha  
tim (sexy edition): also may i just say i literally gave jon ONE beer  
tim (sexy edition): lightweight LOOOOOOOOOL

martin!: i know u r all probably asleep by now but i just wanted to say thanks again for all the stuff you got me. i really loved it all <333

-

Rosie:) added 19-16-9-18-1-12 to the chat ‘archive and co’  
19-16-9-18-1-12 changed its name to SPIRAL

tape recorder irl: What  
tape recorder irl: Who is this.

SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _i am the Spiral, Archivist._** 🌀

tape recorder irl: Good Lord. I’ve heard about you.

SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _you have?_** 🌀

tape recorder irl: Yes. A lot.

martin!: are we not going to discuss that the spiral LITERALLY just got added to our groupchat  
martin!: by rosie

SPIRAL: 🌀 **_your Rosie didn’t do anything_** 🌀

martin!: well  
martin!: i’m just going to act like this is a perfectly normal thing to happen  
martin!: um  
martin!: what’s your name? 

SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _i’m not one for names._** 🌀  
SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _i suppose Michael might do, though_** 🌀

martin!: alright! michael it is. my name’s martin  
martin!: do you. use any pronouns?

SPIRAL: 🌀 **_well. i suppose i’ll have to choose some won’t i_** 🌀  
SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _let’s go for he and it_** 🌀

martin!: nice!! i use he/him mostly, and bun is fine too! :-)

Sasha James: alright so i was in the loo and now Martin’s having a casual conversation with the fucking Spiral?  
Sasha James: sm1 explain 

SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _Hello, Sasha James._** 🌀  
SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _you’d like to hear the story?_** 🌀

Sasha James: yeah I would actually

SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _i am delusion incarnate i have your rosie and she is slowly going mad she will not get out she will be stuck here until the walls finally absorb her and i shall become her there will be no more michael only rosie-shaped spiralling she will feel all the pain i feel and she will LOVE it_** 🌀  
SPIRAL: 🌀 ** _she wont be back unless i get somebody else even then i cannot be sure that she will come back to you or even as a fully rounded person she may have things wrong with her but you know i cant predict things thats the archivists job_** 🌀  
SPIRAL: 🌀 **_though im not sure how good your current archivist is at it gertrude robinson was a master but this new one im not sure he seems a bit weak for the job too scared absolutely terrified of failing elias what a pussy_** 🌀

tim: lovely but who fucking asked 

-

Rosie is stuck in the hallways and there is no way out. She trails her fingers lightly along the walls as she walks - it’s narrow enough for her to do it easily. The walls beat softly, like a heartbeat. Every time she tries to follow it, it moves away: sometimes behind her, sometimes above, sometimes to the side. It’s the only thing that helped her keep a sense of direction in this hellish place. Rosie’s eyes hurt so much, they’re tired from all of the endless colours that flash and race across the walls. She can’t be sure at this point that the colours are actually there, or if it’s just her imagination. That or they’re just burned into her eyes from an invisible sun.  
Rosie might’ve seen other people here, in the other hallways she sees when she opens the doors. Sometimes she opens a door and falls into a room far below, but she still cannot escape. The only thing to do in those rooms is search them for another door that will take her up swirling stairs and into the labyrinth of halls again. Rosie knows that she hates being underground, is there such thing as an underground here? She’s not sure, but those deep rooms full of the darker colours, she feels vulnerable - even more so than in the brightness of the higher sections. In the lower rooms, she feels like her soul is getting sucked away even faster, like it’ll crush her and drink her soul.  
Suddenly, Rosie comes back to her senses and loses track of where the pulse of the walls has gone. Fuck. that was the only thing guiding her. Maybe she could’ve got out if she’d followed it. She curses herself as she wanders, now aimlessly, and falls into another one of those deep rooms. It’s a long fall - this one doesn’t have a soft landing either. Maybe something breaks as she hits the ground, Rosie doesn’t know. Not like she can really feel anything anyway. Nothing except for the tiny shocks the colour gives her occasionally.  
Sometimes a memory surfaces somewhere in her brain. She doesn’t like that. It gets pushed away when it comes too close, but she misjudges and pushes more memories away with it. The missing chunks are getting larger now, instead there’s a swirling void of endless colour where old feelings of happiness and nostalgia should be. The vital information is slipping every second. What was her name again? Was she even a ‘she’ anymore?, it thinks. It’s barely conscious now, wandering aimlessly along the corridors. There’s some sort of attraction to something, it can feel that now. Drawing it in. It hears a ringing laugh from inside a door not too far away. An explosion of colour, then pure pain as _something_ rips it open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ROSIE WILL BE OKAY I PROMISE!!


	4. spiral

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Between the colour and screaming static, he can see an eye. Just one, but it’s recognisable. Scared, but recognisable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAGH i'm so sorry i havent uploaded a chapter in ages :( i'm gonna try to upload more regularly (hopefully)!!

chat: archive and co

martin!: so um . where’s rosie

tim: spiral said it was taking her or something  
tim: probably jst a troll tho

martin!: i dont think i should believe you but i will for the sake of my sanity

-

Martin shouldn’t have believed him. The thing that used to be Rosie is still wandering the halls of the Spiral, and with every step, it _becomes_ the hallways. Parts that might’ve been limbs drip like candlewax and merge with the floors. Its hair floats and crackles with static, and every time the thing falls, a chunk of it falls off and becomes the walls, or floor, or ceiling. In all honesty, it can’t really even tell what’s what anymore; it’s lost so much of itself to this place that any kind of thought except “pain” is getting really hard to come by. It takes people as it wanders, opens doors into a clean and focused world and picks anyone that’s slightly unhinged. The pain it feels when it tears them open is so ecstatic, it’s like an addiction. It perfectly matches the pain and searing light of looking into the polished place it sees when it’s choosing a new victim.   
Sometimes, when it’s looking out, it sees people who glance at it. They sometimes have a glint of recognition in their eyes, and they reach out for it, calling it all kinds of names. It’s gotten called ‘Michael’, ‘Rosie’, ‘Gabriel’ and a few others. Michael and Rosie are the main ones, though. It tries to take it, it really does, but sometimes it all gets _too much_. When that happens, it… _takes_ them. Doesn’t eat them. Just takes them. It puts them in a room somewhere, with swirling colours and jarring music. They scream. They scream a lot. The thing thinks it adds quite nicely to the melody, actually. The cacophony is delightful; it dances in a way so unpredictable that even the thing _making_ it doesn’t know what’s going to happen.   
The creature keeps going back to one place, and it can’t really pinpoint why. It’s somewhere inside a dark room. There’s a lot of paper, and sometimes when it visits it can hear talking from what it assumes is the next room. One time it even heard some singing; it left pretty quickly that time.   
The creature’s special place always has someone there. They’re always good to eat. All a little crazy. Maybe they’re not, it thinks. Maybe _it’s_ the crazy one. Who eats people, anyway? 

-

Martin can hear something from the storage room. It isn’t anything he’s heard before: there’s lots of questionable noises in the archives, but this is new. It’s even worse than Tim’s ABBA karaoke, and it’s making the hair on his arms stand on end.   
Tim and Sasha are out having lunch, and Jon’s recording a statement. With Rosie still gone, Martin doesn’t have anyone to hide behind as he opens the door.   
A rush of noise and heat and everything wrong comes rushing out of the door to meet him, and he’s met with screams. Human screams.   
Shit.   
There was someone in here writing out a statement. Shit, shit, _shit_.   
Martin walks further into the room, the noise getting louder as he moves. His vision’s starting to blur, too, and he wipes at his eyes to try and keep the tears from pricking his eyes. The air feels weird in here, it’s acidic. Kind of like cutting onions, except a lot stronger. There’s colour coming from behind the filing cabinet, and Martin steps gingerly around it. He is greeted by a blast of shifting colour and ringing laughter.   
A voice reaches through the overlapping noise and asks, “Another?”  
Martin is suitably shocked by this. He can’t even see what’s talking to him, let alone see a mouth to make the sound.  
“What- Who _are_ you?” he asks. He figures it’s a sensible question.  
“I don’t know,” it snaps at him. The bright shapes move into something more recognisable. It’s not a human form exactly, but it’s something. It has discernable limbs and a gaping hole up top that could be the attempt of a mouth. “Are you going to answer my question? Or should I eat you anyway?”  
Martin decides that today is _not_ the day to be eaten, and he backs away just a little. Just enough to allow him to not be consumed by the terrifying fractals. Just enough that he can see what it is, or was. Just enough that he can widen his eyes and whisper “Rosie?”.  
The thing forms some eyes and stares very, very hard at him. It looks confused, but also a little irritated.   
“I’ve heard that name before.”  
“O- Oh, have you?”  
“Hm. Yes. What does it mean?”  
“It was, erm, my friend. She was taken a while ago, I think. Something called the Spiral? I miss her a lot, actually.”  
“Oh.” the thing makes a face that could be empathy. “I’m- sorry.”  
The swirling neon and static in its voice makes it hard to tell, but Martin recognises something in it. Something familiar. He’s certain now that this is the thing that _used to be_ Rosie. Not sure if she’s in there anymore, but there’s no harm in trying, right? Right?  
“Rosie. I- I know you’re in there. Rosie, _please_. I miss you so much, we all do. Come on, Rosie. Please? For me?”  
The thing just stares at him blankly. Martin gets the feeling he’s fighting a losing battle but he continues anyway.  
“Rosie. I know it’s still you, man. You just have to try! I don’t know what this- this Spiral thing is, but it’s got you. It’s got you good and proper and you have to fight it. I’ll help you, we’ll all help you. You’ll be okay, we can get you therapy, we can get you- we can get anything you need. You just have to get out.”   
Its face twists and rips, and Martin steps back. Between the colour and screaming static, he can see an eye. Just one, but it’s recognisable. Scared, but recognisable.   
“ _Rosie_.” Martin steps closer again, and (stupidly) reaches out to it. When his hand connects with it, he gets the biggest electric shock he’s ever had. It hurts, _God_ it hurts like nothing he’s ever felt before, but with it comes the knowledge that it _is_ Rosie. He can feel her emotion, he knows how scared she is.   
So he tries to pull her out. Some primal instinct is telling him to help, to get her _out_ of there. He struggles for a while. He’s not getting anywhere and the spirals are starting to crawl up his arms too.  
It takes a long time, him yelling and Rosie being generally uncooperative, but eventually he manages to pull her out. The pool of colour that’s left after it drips off her just morphs into another shape, opens a door, and walks out. Rosie’s laying on the floor, probably passed out. Martin doesn’t blame her, really.   
When she comes to, the only thing she can do is stare blankly at him and nod her head. Her eyes are the only thing that’s different about her; instead of their usual green, they’re orange and red and spiraling. A remnant of being trapped in the Spiral for so long, Martin thinks. He goes to make her a cup of tea. She’ll be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was a short(ish) chapter but there's more on the way <3


End file.
